Social Ineptitude?

My daughter is a bit of social butterfly. She has easily made friends with many of her classmates, as well as kids who visit their grandma near us, and anytime we go to Burger King or McDonald's playlands, she always finds someone to spend her playtime with. She can also start up a conversation with anyone, anywhere. I envy this quality of my daughter. Granted, it may just be one of those things that 5 year-old's just have in spades. But I certainly know she hasn't learned this trait from me, so it must be otherwise ingrained.

I have never been one to easily make friends, or even just start conversation with people I don't really know. Or even with people I know, but haven't spent much time with. I have slowly begun to learn how to do this better. How to start a conversation, how to ask questions about the other person other than just talk about myself or my kids (since when I get nervous I will babble on and on). I always have the fear of the awkward silence, and feel this need to constantly fill it (Its also why I love hanging out with people who love to talk. Less pressure for me)! Its always a wonderful feeling when I find that moment where things can be quiet for a moment between myself and another person and not have it feel weird.

I have also found the more I like someone as a potential friend, the more I feel like I seem to avoid them in face to face -or phone-situations. Its the weirdest thing. Because if I want this person to become a friend, how can I do that without actually talking to them? I wonder if its because the possibility of rejection would hold a much larger injury to my fragile self esteem from someone I have any type of personal interest in. Consequently, this pattern has also happened in the past in affairs of the heart. If I thought a guy was cute, and I was interested, I had no clue how to approach the situation. I also would never have any clue if a guy had any interested in me unless he flat out said so. Guys would probably have no way of knowing I was interested in them either, since I couldn't even look them in the eye. Which brings me to my most recent self-realization. I have trouble making eye contact with people.

I knew I had issues with this in the past, and felt that I had made a concerted effort to try harder to maintain eye contact during conversations. I thought I was doing pretty well with that. When I talk to a doctor, or my child's teacher or my teacher, I do it very well. Yet, I have started to notice that in other situations that I have been staring at anything but the other person. Even with people I have known for awhile, or have met on more than one occasion, I find myself looking down at my fingers, straightening my clothes, messing with my purse, playing with my keys, or focusing closer than I need to on my kids while talking with someone. I thought I was beyond that, but I have noticed myself doing it a lot lately. Which of course makes me paranoid that people will think that I am snobbish by not making eye contact. Because nothing could be further from the truth. Most of the time, I think other people are above me, not below me in cool status :)

I don't know if I had this issue as a child. I can't really recall too far back. I know by around late middle school through high school I had issues making conversations beyond my own group of friends. And I certainly never made my feelings for a guy obvious unless he did so first! My mom seems to do alright in the making friends/ random conversations department, so I am not sure where my behavior comes from. Self-esteem issues I suppose.

In general it seems as we get older, we don't make friends as easily. If you can't meet them through work, school, or other friends, it seems you're out of luck. Even in those situations its hard to make a friendship sometimes. It seems you need to be stuck into the same situations together several times for lengthy periods, on a regular basis, in order to make a bond of friendship as an adult. You also have to have many moments in a small group to have it become more than /classmate relationship. Yet children seem able to do this instantly. Why is that we can't do that as adults? Why can't we meet with someone and chat with them at the park and just become friends like we used to as kids? Or become chummy with the new neighbors? Its seems as a society in general we've become so concerned with privacy, that we don't even bother trying to talk to people outside our immediate circle anymore, out of fear it would violate their privacy somehow.

Although, maybe I am wrong. Maybe that's just my own personal view of it. Maybe other people can easily make friends through work or school, and with neighbors and other parents at their child's school. I guess I just never know how to bring it to the next level. From chit chatting to actually hanging out. I guess I never want to be the one to put myself out there, and have this feeling that if I was cool enough, the other person would have asked me to hang out by now. And if I ask them to hang out, they might say yes, but it would only be out of pity. I know, I know, I over-analyze things.

I also know I find it very hard to truly let myself go so that people get to really know me until I have been in a socializing situation many times. I tend to hold back out of concern I will offend someone or show myself in a poor light. I hate that about myself. I wish I could just be myself and let go. It another one of those things I am working on. I meet people all the time who seem to really be able show who they are, without any shame. They speak their mind, they have fun without worrying that they will screw up or be embarrassed by something. I love those kinds of people. I wish I could be that type of person. Often I just feel like I don't belong. I feel out of place in Ella's school since I seem to be so young compared to other parents, and dress and act a little differently than most. I even find myself feeling out of place with my own friends sometimes. Like I just don't fit in anywhere.

I am not sure I will ever overcome my insecurities and fears. It's almost like I can feel a physical cage inside that just holds my soul back, and keeps me from putting myself out there, to take those risks, and maybe come out with more.

Is making friends as an adult really this complicated or is it just me? I'd be interested to know if other people feel like they have this problem.