As of recently I have noticed that the I seem to have a shorter and shorter fuse in regards to my children. I think a lot of it has to do with the change of attitude and behavior of my 5 year old to one of defiance and serious 'attitude'. One example of this would be that when I told her to sit in her chair and be ready for lunch, she banged her fists on the table because her food was not instantly before her the moment her hind end touched the seat! The result is that I almost daily have a headache, and I dread any days that she does not have school because the entire day is about conflict conflict conflict! I am not sure how to deal with this - so far time-outs have not worked, yelling has not worked, taking things away has not worked, trying to compromise no longer works. She wants what she want when she wants it. Yesterday. Anything besides that results in screaming or tantrums.

Now, I know how my mother dealt with it in me, she would have slapped the lips off me if I talked to her the way my oldest is talking to me. But of course, she now frowns upon that, and tells me that I should ignore my own upbringing and find a new way. Well, how exactly am I supposed to find this new way, and find the right way?! There are dozens of books out there, and its hard to know which one is the best or right. I know one book I read, had lots of good advice, but it didn't have the advice I needed for a few particular issues I was having.

I also find that I have no idea what to do with my kids when its not time to eat, time to get dressed, busy, busy, busy. I can only play the same games so many times. I think that maybe I am more selfish that other moms. I seem to need a lot of 'me' time to not feel like I am going to go completely nuts, and lately there isn't a whole lot of me time. I feel like I am always doing something for someone else. Except for the time I waste aimlessly surfing the web, which I guess just doesn't fulfill the way other things would.

I just feel like I am always feeding someone else first, making what someone else likes, not making what I like because no one else likes it, watching what someone else likes and not watching what I want to because it bores someone else, I feel like I am always serving every one else's needs first, and then maybe if there is time, I give time for myself. I can't even sit the way I want. Right now as I type this, my youngest is insisting I move my leg because she doesn't like the way I have it crossed! I have to schedule in my needs around every one else's need. I have to wait until Ella is in school and Annalise is napping in order to get an uninterrupted work-out in. I have to plan everything around someone else.

Just for once, it would be nice if something was all about me. Which sounds so very selfish and makes me feel guilty. Why can't I be like those other mom's who give much more than I do and who it doesn't seem to bother that its never about them? The mom's who hardly ever yell and certainly never resort to spanking. Maybe my short temper is related to my frustration with all those feelings: guilt, inadequacy, and resentment of having no time for just me. Maybe its a combination of all of them together. I know it pisses me off to no end that my daughter has all these wonderful things and that she is not grateful for them. Things that I didn't have when I was her age. However I try to explain it to her, a five year old seem incapable of understanding what it means to be grateful and why she should be so.

In the end I worry that I was just not cut out for this parent gig. That I just don't have what it takes and that I am going to screw my kids up. If I haven't already.
I know I am not the worst mother in the world, but I am certainly far from the best. I guess I can just chalk it up to another one of the things that I completely suck at. I keep trying to change, but keep finding myself back in the same place. But on that note, its time to feed the kids. Either I decide on hot dogs and french fries, or I get to hear a lot of screaming. Gee, decisions, decisions.